


live in a haze

by dimpleskyun (orphan_account)



Series: short series (under 10k) [2]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous/Open Ending, M/M, Tattoos, showho if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 05:40:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14888673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/dimpleskyun
Summary: You only remember your friendships and relationships if you get a tattoo about them.While Hyungwon's entire body is covered in tattoos, one night he meets a boy whose body is vacant of any ink.russian translation♡





	live in a haze

Hyungwon walks out of the tattoo parlor, delicately touching the raw wound wrapped with a thin plastic bandage (similar to the wrappers that hold sandwiches and the like fresh at supermarkets), noticing the bumps under his fingertips, it stings but that's normal, after all he just got his skin filled with ink through a needle. He gets out the healing creme and reads the instructions as he walks up to the bus stop, he has a class to attend and as much as he would like to stop for a moment to catch up and mourn, he _can't_. Life keeps going on and only because got his heart broken, _again_ , for the millionth time, the world won't stop spinning, time won't stop running.

With a sigh Hyungwon waits at the bus stop, eyeing his new tattoo, and he wonders then why he even bothered getting it, his arms are slowly filling up and there is no space anymore, he even has some on his legs already. The woman next to him gives him an overall look and smiles sadly at him, it's what he gets often, because most people don't choose to remember everyone they meet, it gets too painful, but Hyungwon _wants_ to - it's what most people don't understand about him. Even if sometimes he questions his choice, like this time. It's not as if the two weeks he had with Hoseok were bad but-

The bus hisses as it stops in front of the bus stop, lining up with side walk, and Hyungwon just forces himself to not think about his ex. He should have seen it coming, not everyone is ready for the commitment to get the memory of another person tattooed, specially if they feel like it doesn't click instantly. Hyungwon already was set to get the memory tattooed, Hoseok wasn't set, he hesitated, waited until the last moment, until he told Hyungwon that he just couldn't do it. Hyungwon wasn't surprised, he simply nodded and thanked him for the time, they shared one last night in which Hyungwon took in the barely tattooed body Hoseok has - that had been the first indicator that it wouldn't work out but somehow Hyungwon has his hopes up every time.

With a sigh he lets himself flop onto one of the plastic seats, dropping his bag on the one to his right, and stares out of the window, contemplating his life and reminiscing over his short time with Hoseok. He hopes one day someone will make Hoseok realize commitment isn't all that bad and remembering, even if it ends up painful, isn't bad either. If anything, Hyungwon thinks, he has grown a lot by choosing to get tattoos every time he meets someone significant, he feels as if the way he sees the world has definitely changed and morphed over the years.

The city passes by in a blur in front of him, cars, people, houses, and before he knows it the university building is in front of him and he bolts up to get out of the bus, almost getting squeezed by the door as he jumps outside and hurries over campus to get to his building and maybe, for once in his life, get to class by time.

Classroom 404. He pushes open the door and sees the professor walk towards her desk, giving Hyungwon a glance but not commenting on it. He sighs in relief and makes his way over his usual seat, where he sits with his best friend, Lee Minhyuk; they've been friends for over ten years now, basically each other's first tattoos (without counting their parents' ones) and after all these years they did not regret their choices to remember each other. Minhyuk gives Hyungwon a meaningful glance and lets his eyes drop towards his wrist, mouth pulled into a thin line.

Class passes by in a daze, Hyungwon's too focused on softly caressing his arm, around the tattoo, thinking about his failed relationship and wondering when he will ever meet someone who will want to remember him. There has been someone before, once, when they were thirteen, who ended up getting a tattoo about Hyungwon to remember him, but they broke up a year later because they just didn't feel the same anymore; it was a friendly break up and Hyungwon sometimes still sees him, they catch up and talk, but there's not really anything there anymore, it's awkward and it's one of those occasions where Hyungwon wishes he hadn't gotten the tattoo, specially since Minhyuk had a crush on the boy back then and still has, but the whole story is _too much_ of a mess. And to this day still incredibly awkward for all three of them.

The PowerPoint presentation gets turned off and Hyungwon snaps his head up, eyes moving to the clock, and _yup_ , he just spent two whole hours drifting away in his head, detached from reality. He looks over at Minhyuk who gives a look at Hyungwon's empty table.

"You could have at least _tried_ to pretend that you're paying attention." He snorts, shaking his head and Hyungwon flips him off. "One last class and then we're free."

"I can't wait to just crash into bed," Hyungwon confesses and walks together with Minhyuk to their next class.

"No, you promised you'd come along this night," Minhyuk whines and pouts when Hyungwon gives him an annoyed look. "Kihyun misses you."

Hyungwon scrunches up his nose but nods anyway. "Fine, I'll come."

 

Three hours later they sit in _The Dove_ , a small bar in the middle of the party mile but it still has the charm of a bar from the eighties, except the stereo is updated just like the songs that play in it. Hyungwon is nursing his second beer as he stares expectantly at Minhyuk, who fumbles with his half empty cola glass, he glares annoyingly at the clock on the wall.

"Kihyun is late," Hyungwon mentions, smirking.

"I am aware, thank you." Minhyuk kicks him under the table. "He promised he would come, specially now that you are back in business."

"It's been an hour..."

"Shut up." Minhyuk takes another sip of his glass and taps his fingers impatiently on the table, then he brightens up as his eyes focus on something—or rather someone—but it doesn't last as he frowns, his eyes shifting.

Seconds later Kihyun approaches the table, he smiles awkwardly at Hyungwon, who smiles back just as uncomfortably, they do this for Minhyuk, _mostly,_ and then he moves aside to reveal a young man behind him: he has black hair and wears thin framed glasses, his legs are hugged by skinny black jeans, and off his shoulders hangs a jeans jacket, underneath a white, baggy shirt. He looks _cute._

"This is Changkyun, a—" Kihyun hesitates for a moment, side glancing at the young man, who makes a noncommittal expression, "a _friend_. Um, these are Hyungwon and Minhyuk," he introduces them.

"Nice to meet you," Changkyun says and reaches out a hand to shake theirs, Hyungwon is a bit taken aback by his deep voice and smile.

"Yeah, you too," he mumbles out and makes space for the newcomers to sit down.

Kihyun sits next to Minhyuk, who lets out a breathless giggle, and Hyungwon casts his eyes away, instead sneakily glancing at Changkyun, curious about him, who is in the process of taking his jacket off as he scans the menu, lips moving as he reads the different drinks _The Dove_ has to offer.

Hyungwon widens his eyes in shock as he meets the bare arms of the young man, no ink on them, _nothing,_ not even a small tiny tattoo, and he snaps his eyes up at Changkyun, who doesn't seem to notice. The people around them have quietened down and even Minhyuk halts mid ramble, all eyes on Changkyun, who slowly becomes conscious of his surroundings and he raises a questioning eyebrow.

"What?" he asks defensively but he seems to realize what it's all about as he glances down at his arms. "Oh yeah, I don't have any tattoos."

That only makes it worse because it could have been he chose to get inked on his torso or legs—which is rare but _does happen_ —but the fact that he so openly declared to have no tattoos...

"Hold on, what do you mean you don't have _any_ tattoos?" Minhyuk asks, voice louder than intended, and he cringes once people overhear and turn curiously towards them.

"I just don't have them, that's all."

"But—But what about—but your friends?" Hyungwon manages to croak out, Changkyun moves his eyes towards him, then he glances at Hyungwon's very decorated arms, he smiles.

"It's not as dramatic as everyone makes it out to seem. If you really click with someone, you'll meet them, even if you restart from zero every two weeks," he explains with a shrug as if it doesn't really matter to him, as if it's not a big deal. Hyungwon can only sit and stare.

"It really isn't _that_ hard," Kihyun finally says and two pairs of eyes snap to him, Minhyuk already bombarding him with questions whereas Hyungwon just stares silently at his ex, wondering when exactly he _even_ met Changkyun.

In between the chatter and his mind going in circles and coming up with thoughts, then recycling them for later, all while creating new ones, Hyungwon doesn't realize the situation has calmed down and Changkyun is off to order himself something, Minhyuk not even asking questions anymore, instead listening intently on what Kihyun is currently working on, showing previews of his project.

"When will you ask _me_ to model for you?"

"Um." Kihyun's ears turn red as he pretends to think about an answer, Hyungwon raises his eyebrows when his ex meets his eyes, he squints and in between them exchanges a silent conversation. "I didn't know you were serious about that," Kihyun finally replies and Hyungwon rolls his eyes, it doesn't go by unnoticed by the smaller boy, who kicks him under the table, it's way harsher than how Minhyuk usually kicks him, and Hyungwon actually lets out a yelp, bending down to rub his shin.

"Did you lose something?" a voice asks by his right, incredibly close to his neck, and he jumps up, hitting his head on the table, which prompts him to let out another yelp, this one way higher, more like a squeak. "Oh, _shit!"_ Changkyun exclaims and moves to inspect where Hyungwon hit himself. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," Hyungwon says, he feels his cheeks get red as Changkyun takes away his hand, from where they reflexively covered his head wound, and he tries his best not to think about anything as the young man is incredibly close to him, he can smell his shampoo from this distance and it's definitely _nice_. 

"Yeah, it doesn't seem all that bad, not bleeding or anything. I would say just put some ice on it." Changkyun pulls away and gives him a reassuring smile.

"Yes, Hyungwon, put some _ice on it,"_ Minhyuk repeats, giggling to himself, Kihyun lets out a huff, and Hyungwon turns slowly towards his best friend and ex boyfriend, he gives them _The Look_ and they both slowly quieten down.

In all the mishaps he completely forgot about Changkyun's bare arms and once he is back in his element he can't help but stare, part of him wants to reach out and trail his hand over the other's arm, feel how smooth his skin would be and curious about whatever story lays behind non inked skin. But he _doesn't,_ he just stares. Changkyun is aware of it, _of course,_ as he shifts every couple of times in his seat, giving exasperated sighs, but Hyungwon really, _really_ can't help himself.

"You know you can just ask, right?" Changkyun finally says, polite smile on his face but there's a certain hostility in his eyes that wasn't there before.

"Sorry I just—I haven't met someone like you before." He moves away his eyes from the arms and meets Changkyun's eyes.

"I suppose rarely anyone has but it's just _fucking_ uncomfortable having people stare at me like _that._ I get it if you're a child, but you're an adult, you know? Have some decency." The way he says it makes it clear this isn't exclusively about Hyungwon, but he is included in the category and he swallows, realizing that it was in fact rude to stare at people as if they were an animal in a zoo.

"Sorry," he mumbles, genuinely feeling bad.

"It's whatever, I don't really pay attention to it anymore, it's not as if I'll remember you in two weeks." He laughs at the statement, like it's funny, and Hyungwon guesses it must be like an inside joke Changkyun has with himself.

"Right." He tries to crack a smile but he _can't._ He is exactly the opposite of this stranger. God, maybe by the end of these following two weeks he will get something tattooed so he can remember him.

"So tell me Hyungwon, how many of these people got a matching tattoo?"

"I—" He is caught off guard by the question and glances at the most recent one, pain blooming in his chest. "Not many."

"Then _why_ did you even bother?"

"Because I can't imagine _not knowing,_ I want to be in control of my memories."

"But isn't it painful remembering someone who doesn't remember you?" Changkyun asks, frowning and he takes a swing of the the drink he got himself.

"It is but pain isn't everlasting and even if I know one of these," he points at the tattoos on his arm, "is a painful memory, it doesn't hurt anymore."

"Huh." Changkyun takes in the information, nodding his head slowly, and lets his eyes wander around Hyungwon's skin.

"Why did you choose not to get any?"

"Because at some point I just didn't see the _point_ in them," he explains, his expression is blank, not giving away much.

"But do you really have none? Like not even one that you'd rather not remember?"

"No, I really have _none_. Zero," he says with finality and Hyungwon closes his mouth, really taking in what that means, the implications of it. "You want me to prove it?" Changkyun asks then, smirk appearing on his face.

"What," Hyungwon deadpans, unsure what the other even means by that, but the way he smirks at him makes Hyungwon feel unsettled and he swallows down the knots forming in his throat.

"I could undress and you could satisfy your curiosity, see for yourself that I _really_ have no ink on me." He winks, smirk still in place, before he takes a sip of his drink, swallowing its contents down slowly, going for the dramatic pause and effect.

And Hyungwon does choke on air, trying to find words to reply but his brain has abandoned him, leaving him to die.

("I can't believe _that_ worked," Minhyuk says somewhere in the background, amusement clear in his voice.

"I don't think Hyungwon is going to fall for it," Kihyun counters, skeptic.)

 

Hyungwon _does_ in fact fall for it and he ends up seeing for himself that Changkyun  _really_ has no tattoos, no hidden ink in any corner of his body. Hyungwon also learns that the other is quite—

"Sir, excuse me, you dropped your phone." A boy hands Hyungwon his phone, which must have slipped out of his hands as he dazed off in the bus, thinking about the previous night he shared with Changkyun.

"Oh, thank you." He smiles thankfully but he notices the heat rush to his cheeks and he wills any thoughts about Changkyun away from his brain.

He succeeds for the time his bus ride lasts but once he is at his flat, undressing from the clothes of the previous night to take a shower, refresh himself, and getting ready for class the memories come back as he stares at himself in the small mirror in his bathroom, hickeys adorning his collarbones and he trails a hand over them. It was good but then his eyes catch onto his most recent tattoo and he thinks about Hoseok and about all the other people behind his tattoos and he begins to wonder _why_ he really gets them tattooed.

Hyungwon steps away from the mirror and into the shower, he turns on the water and waits until it's a pleasant temperature before he lets the water rain down on his scalp, warm and calming. He allows himself a longer shower to reflex and enjoy this tiny moment in which he can exist only for himself. He scrubs his arms and a part of him suddenly wishes his skin was as free as Changkyun's, without ink, like an empty book ready to be written. A story that hasn't been told yet.

Slowly he understands why Changkyun doesn't get any tattoo, he has freedom, he has the opportunity to always be someone new, no worries or chains to hold him back. Whereas Hyungwon has too many tattoos to count, too many memories that make him walk around carefully, calculating his steps because he knows what it's like to remember something broken, something poisoned, something—

Hyungwon is caged within his memories while Changkyun gets to be free and for the first time he questions his choice to remember everyone he meets; does it really give him the control over his memories?

He always thought by remembering he had the advantage of knowing; he thought he was always a step ahead by being dead set on getting a tattoo, no matter how the events would turn out; but he realizes maybe he is putting chains on himself. Pressuring himself to live a life doomed to bitterness.

Hyungwon rinses the shampoo out of his black hair and steps out of the shower, grabbing the towel hanging by the wall to dry himself off, then he walks into his room to get dressed. He is distracted and lost in his thoughts, movements languid and slow, and he can't keep his mind from running back to Changkyun, he wants to know, understand the other's point of view.

For the first time in his life he feels as if maybe everything he so vigorously and religiously preached as right is maybe _not as set_ as he always had thought and he himself is being just as selfish by getting tattoos as Changkyun is by _not_ getting any tattoos. He forced keeping sides and images of people alive by remembering them when maybe those people didn't want that to exist anymore, he forced this one dimensional picture of the other person to reside in his own mind when it's only one point of view of a story.

Hyungwon takes his messenger bag and with one last glance at the small mirror next to his entrance door he leaves his flat to catch the bus to go to his second class - he missed the first one because he had overslept at Changkyun's, the young man had been still asleep next to him, hair messed up and face incredibly soft. Hyungwon had had the strong urge to stay there in bed with him, go back to sleep and maybe eat breakfast together but then he had realized that it would have been fruitless as Changkyun wouldn't even remember him in two weeks and there is no point to even further this relationship. So he had gotten up, hurriedly, searching for his clothes, and got the fuck out of the flat, barely taking in the blank walls and lack of general decoration in Changkyun's living space.

As he sits in his class he can't really keep up with what the professor is saying but it's alright because next to him Minhyuk takes notes and later he can just copy them. It has been always like that in between them, relying on each other to keep the other at bay. Minhyuk of course notices Hyungwon's far away state and chooses not to bother him for the time being, the questions will come later, for now he takes notes for the two of them, paying extra attention in class and even asking a question that usually would be one Hyungwon would ask the professor.

When the class is over and the students pack their bags to head to lunch or their next class, Minhyuk bumps his knee into Hyungwon's and motions his head towards the door, signaling that they're free to go and Hyungwon gets his back from where it lays on the table, its contents still inside.

"Kihyun texted me to ask if we are up to get lunch with him," Minhyuk starts carefully once they are in the hallways, standing still and going nowhere.

"I guess we can do that."

"Are you sure? I mean it's understandable if you don't want to, I'll just text him something came in between and we can go to—"

"No, it's alright. I guess it's time I stop running away from whatever uncomfortable feelings there are left. Besides I know you want to see him," Hyungwon says and allows himself to smile when Minhyuk's cheeks redden.

"I don't—I mean we are friends so of course I would want to hang out with him and—It's not like back then I don't—" He stumbles over his words and readjusts his bag over his shoulder to keep his hands occupied, awkwardness radiating off of him.

"Minhyuk it's _fine,_ I won't mind if you date him."

"But he was your third tattoo and your first boyfriend."

"We were thirteen, it's long in the past. Really," he reassures his friend.

Minhyuk looks at him for a moment before he turns with a nod, humming noncommittally, and starts walking towards the staircase, Hyungwon follows him and his eyes catch onto the small tattoo his friend has on his elbow, the one he got after befriending Kihyun when they were thirteen and he wonders what it must be like to get a tattoo on someone that you feel a certain way about but they don't feel the same, only for years later to begin a new type of relationship.

Hyungwon knows for a fact that Kihyun now does return Minhyuk's everlasting feelings but he is too hesitant about them to really go for it. Hyungwon can't blame him. The way the three of them started out was a mess and they got the tattoos all for the wrong reasons, Minhyuk got his because he promised himself he'd be a friend to Kihyun; Hyungwon got his because he made his choice then to remember everyone, no matter what; and Kihyun got his own tattoos because that was what people did and he simply followed the natural flow of how it is supposed to go instead of first analyzing his own feelings towards both Hyungwon and Minhyuk. But it's too late now to rethink and wonder how they should have done it differently.

Usually after a relationship breaks, whether they got a tattoo or not, they disappear out of each other's lives because it gets too awkward and there is the presence of that wish to delete the memory (or the pain after seeing someone got the tattoo removed, pretending it never happened) but the three of them kept going, breaking through those countless layers of uncomfortable _ness_ , and Hyungwon is ready to leave it all behind and begin a new kind of relationship with his ex-boyfriend, remember him as he is now without any tattoo.

He thinks then of Changkyun and wonders if that's what it is like to him, making his own memories however he wants. Once again Hyungwon notices the incredible freedom that comes with not getting a tattoo and he again questions his decorated body.

 

It's two days later and Hyungwon is back at Changkyun's apartment, he isn't all that sure how it happened, but in between hanging out more with Kihyun these days and Changkyun being a close friend of his ex, it happened that they got closer and interacted a lot more than Hyungwon initially planned, hoped. In the back of his mind a voice tells him he shouldn't enable with Changkyun any further because it's a road packed with pain and regret but curiosity overpowers him and the way his heart skips a beat when he is near the young man doesn't really help either. Something about Changkyun pulls him in like a magnet and Hyungwon is powerless.

He sits on the old couch, a mug of tea in his hand, as he fully takes in the blank state of Changkyun's flat and wonders if he keeps it that way to match the blankness of his memories or if he simply isn't one that cares much about decorating his own personal space. Whatever the answer is Hyungwon doesn't muster up the courage to ask in the first place so he simply sits there and waits for Changkyun to join him so they can watch the movie they decided to watch two days ago when they met in university unexpectedly after Minhyuk and Hyungwon agreed to hang out with Kihyun, who didn't warn them that Changkyun would be joining them. Hyungwon still doesn't know how their friendship works and as much as he wants to know, it's a territory he isn't sure he is ready to enter as it would prove everything he believes in when he gets a tattoo to be wrong.

He isn't ready yet to let go of his ideologies.

"I heard this movie is good," Changkyun says when he approaches the couch, bowl of popcorn in one hand and a bottle of soda in the other. He sits down, incredibly close to Hyungwon, their elbows brushing against each other, and leans forward to press the space bar on his laptop. "At least if you believe Kihyun's movie critique skills."

"He took me to see _Shrek 2_ on our first date so I'm not really sure," Hyungwon says, with a frown as the movie starts playing and Changkyun leans back into the couch, making himself comfortable.

"I keep forgetting you two dated."

"I guess it's weird, considering we still are friends."

"I think it's cool, giving the tattoos you got a new meaning," Changkyun comments, his voice dropping to a whisper as to not disturb the intro music and narration of the movie.

"I don't understand your stance on tattoos," Hyungwon admits, lowering his voice as well but he doesn't really pay attention to the movie.

"You don't _need_ to."

"But maybe I _want_ to."

Changkyun lets out a sigh and leans forward again to pause the movie, he glances over at Hyungwon, raising his eyebrows in surprise.

"Why?" he asks, curiously.

"I don't know, if I'm honest," Hyungwon starts, sipping his tea. "I'm scared that whatever you have to say will invalidate my need to remember everything but at the same time I—I _realized_ that how I live isn't necessarily the only truth."

"Huh." Changkyun sits in silence and stares at him for a couple of seconds, searching Hyungwon's face. "Usually people immediately turn away once they understand I won't get a tattoo to remember or they use it as a chance to live in a haze for two weeks until they can start over—"

"But is it really a 'start over'? I mean, only because we don't remember doesn't mean it didn't happen."

"I guess." He shrugs, then opens the bottle to take a swing. "I think there is a lot that we don't think about as a society when it comes to the tattoos and remembering or not remembering."

"I must admit that ever since I met you I can't stop thinking about you," Hyungwon declares and when Changkyun smirks he pushes the young man's shoulder indignantly and a blush creeps up on his cheeks. "Not like _that_. I just meant that—I just never met someone like you and I have _so many_ questions and I have began to doubt my tattoos and I'm not even sure anymore if I was doing the right thing by remembering. I realized that I may have been a lot more selfish than I thought this whole time and—"

" _Hyungwon_ ," Changkyun interrupts him, laying a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it, "there is no right or wrong way to live this life as long as you do whatever makes _you_ feel comfortable. If you really want to remember everything, that's fine. I'm not here to stop you," he tells him, his voice just as reassuring as the hand on Hyungwon's shoulder. "But if you're open for it then maybe understand my point of view as well."

"I will try."

"For me tattoos never made sense as I grew up in an orphanage and we aren't allowed to get a tattoo until we got adopted by a family. But I never was and when I turned eighteen I was, well—I won't sugarcoat it, I was _kicked out_ to find my own path," he begins to explain, his face blank but his voice is heavy and there is despair in it. "I remember everyone I met there, all the friendships I made."

"How?" Hyungwon can't help but ask, trying to process the information he just got.

"I started writing a diary when I was ten about everyone I meet in my life. I take pictures with people, I keep their texts. Even if they aren't in my memory anymore and I don't exactly remember them or my time with them, they still are _with me,_ unfiltered and unaltered by my one dimensional version of them if I would have gotten a tattoo," he finishes and gives Hyungwon an expectant glance, waiting for a reaction, for _something_ but Hyungwon is too caught in understanding that there is a way to remember without the tattoos.

And it's so simple and easy to do, yet they all torture themselves with the ever present question of, _do I get a tattoo or do I forget?_ He guesses that is how Changkyun and Kihyun's friendship must work, through their memories of each other in the form of pictures, texts, written down words and scenarios.

"Have you kept up a diary about me?" Is all he ends up asking because his heart is selfish.

"Just like you already made the choice to get a tattoo in ten days to remember me, I have already started a new chapter in my diary called _Chae Hyungwon_."

"How are you sure I will get a tattoo?"

"Am I wrong?"

"I would have said no two days ago, I would have said no the moment we met, but—" He doesn't finish the sentence, trails off, and lets the heaviness of his statement hang in the air.

Changkyun looks at him, blankly, his mouth opening slowly, and a frown appears on his face. He seems taken aback by Hyungwon's statement and the honesty in it. Hyungwon himself is startled by his own words but he finds them to be _true_ and as he stares back at Changkyun he wonders how life will be in ten days, if he will have a new tattoo or if he will, for the first time in his life, choose to forget. He swallows down all the emotions and the panic that want to burst out, instead he simply stares back into Changkyun's eyes.

* * *

  

Over the past twelve days he has become extremely familiar with Changkyun's flat (specially his bedroom) and he stands in the small kitchenette, preparing the two of them breakfast. Changkyun is in the shower and the noise of the running water filters to where Hyungwon stands, moving a wooden spoon around in the pan as he fries them some eggs. The radio is on but it's not turned up too loud, he barely hears what song is being played.

They have class in about an hour and a half, giving them enough time to eat breakfast together and catch their bus to campus. And Hyungwon hates how domestic and familiar this scene has come to him, how naturally he fits into Changkyun's small living place. He hates how used he has grown over the past almost two weeks standing in this small kitchen, cooking them something (not just for breakfast, often enough they cook dinner together before they crash into Changkyun's bed in a tangle of limbs, kissing passionately and whispering words to each other carefully as they know that this isn't for an eternity).

Hyungwon hates how much he has come to care for Changkyun in this short time, specially as it won't go anywhere, even if he hopes it does, and he hates that he has ignored the small voice in the back of his head, warning him. He didn't think he would actually catch any kind of feelings for Changkyun, from a start he _knew_ how it would end and thought it could just be a fun affair but as he looks at the scrambled eggs sizzling away in the frying pan he realizes that no, it wasn't _just_ a fun affair.

It transformed into a lot more over the course that it lasted and he hates it (and himself).

The shower stops running and after some more minutes Changkyun walks out of the bathroom, dressed and his wet hair pushed away from his forehead. He approaches Hyungwon, sliding his hands over his waist, and peers into the pan, licking his lips slowly.

"It looks good."

Hyungwon can't move, thoughts running around in his head, one more painful than the past one. He swallows down his nervousness and turns his head to lock eyes with the younger man. His heart has grown selfish over the past week and he thought he could do it, keep Changkyun in his life even if it meant to restart every two weeks, even if it meant to possibly lose him at some point because Hyungwon would always be a stranger to him. But Hyungwon has come to the big and painful realization that he can't. _He just can't._

"I think we need to talk," he says finally after a short moment of them just staring at each other.

Changkyun lets out a sigh and moves back from where he was caging Hyungwon in between his arms. He crouches down next to the stove to get out some plates from the cabinet and sets them up on the kitchen table, wordlessly.

"I'm guessing this is about the two weeks running out," he says once their sitting down with plates full of breakfast in front of them, each with a cup of coffee.

"Yes." Hyungwon moves the food on the plate around with his chopsticks, his appetite is gone but he forces down a piece of the scrambled eggs anyway. "I just—are you really not going to get a tattoo? Did this not mean anything to you?"

"Hyungwon," Changkyun starts looking at him with an expression carefully blank, he exhales slowly before he continues. "You knew what you were getting yourself into and I'm not—"

"Fuck, are you really not going to- God, I'm so fucking stupid."

"Hyungwon, please don't—Let me explain—"

"No, no, it's fine. You're _right_ , I knew but still I guess I—I don't know, I had hope that maybe—But it's stupid." He lets out a humorless laugh and runs a hand through his hair, messing it up in the process.

He really should have paid attention to the voice that told him not to do this, he should have distanced himself from Changkyun but there he is, sitting by the now so familiar kitchen table, sharing breakfast with a boy that won't remember him and Hyungwon wonders when he will learn from his past mistakes.

When will he stop trying so hard to remember and hope that maybe someone is in it for the long run? Because clearly it won't happen.

 _Fuck_ , he has been so stupid thinking that he could change Changkyun or something. That he thought he was different and maybe for once in his life could initiate a relationship that relays on mutual feelings and love but of course that isn't going to happen in Hyungwon's life and he is doomed to be alone, forever, a body full of tattoos speaking of heartbreak.

"I—I think I'm going to head out first," he says and moves the chair back, it scraps on the kitchen tiles, loudly, and before Changkyun can even get out another word he leaves the flat, hurriedly and almost tripping on his feet.

He doesn't even reach the bus stop when the tears are already running down his cheeks. Not only did he just lose another relationship, not only did he embarrass himself, but now he is crying in public as well and Hyungwon decides to cancel out the entire day in favor of moping around in his flat, watch some nonsensical videos on YouTube and hope that this won't be as painful in a couple of days as it currently feels.

 

It's late afternoon and Minhyuk called him a couple of times but after Hyungwon avoided picking up he stopped at the eighth call instead sending a couple of text messages asking him where he was and if he was okay. Hyungwon doesn't reply to them, shoving his phone far away from him and keeps indulging himself on watching some livestream about a cat family somewhere in USA (one of the cats has recently gotten children and Hyungwon balls his eyes out upon seeing the fresh born kittens growing up).

It's around six in the afternoon when his phone rings again and he stops the livestream, reaching over the empty pizza box to grab it and see who is calling him. _Lee Jooheon_ , it reads and he picks up quickly, biting his bottom lip nervously.

 _"Hey, Hyungwon, what's up?"_ Jooheon asks him through the line, there's music playing in the background and the familiar noise of a tattoo needle buzzing.

"Hey, I'm—I'm good, what about you?" Hyungwon forces out, the lie tasting bitter in his mouth.

_"Good, busy. I was asking about the appointment you set up for tomorrow, could we maybe reschedule it from two-thirty to four o'clock?"_

"Um, about that, I don't think I'm going to—I think I want to cancel the appointment."

 _"What?"_ Jooheon sounds surprised, taken aback, his voice laced with worry. _"What do you mean you want to cancel it? You_ never _cancel."_

"I just—I don't think I want to remember this one. A lot has happened and I don't—It's stupid. It's stupid I remember everyone even if they don't remember me and—" He is rambling now, his voice stuttering and his throat hurting from the effort he is making to hold back his tears and not let out a loud sob.

 _"Hey, hey, calm down,"_ Jooheon has moved to somewhere quieter as the background noises fade away, only his voice to be heard. "It's _not stupid. It's what you want. What happened?"_

"I met someone without any tattoos and he—he changed everything."

 _"Oh. Does he_ really _have_ no—"

"Yes," Hyungwon interrupts the question Jooheon was about to ask. "Yes, he _really_ has no tattoos whatsoever."

_"Holy shit."_

"Yeah. And I—" He shifts in his bed, laying down again on his back and pressing play on the livestream to watch the mother cat lick her babies clean but he mutes the video in favor to talk to Jooheon. "I just see everything so differently now and if he won't remember me why should I? I'm so tired of going through heartbreak over and over again. I'm done, I'm so fucking done with it."

 _"Okay, okay, wow, I—I definitely didn't expect this. You always, no matter_ how _painful it was, get a tattoo so I'm—I'm surprised, to say the least."_

Hyungwon laughs dryly. "Yeah, I guess it's quite surprising."

_"He must have really made an impact if he got you to change your mind."_

Hyungwon thinks about how Changkyun slowly carved himself a home in his heart despite Hyungwon trying hard for that _not_ to happen, despite Hyungwon trying to keep his feelings at bay but two weeks later he sits in his bed and it fully dawns on him just how much Changkyun has come to mean to him. It's surreal and not really like anyone else he has come across, he can't pinpoint _what_ exactly it is about Changkyun that makes it like this, that makes his heart ache with something so deep and _breakable_. He really has no clue and he wonders for a split second if he ever even has been in love at all with all the other people he has gotten a tattoo about.

The thought strikes fear to bloom in his chest and he stares at his inked arms, wondering further if they really are as meaningless as they suddenly feel. He remembers the people behind them, the relationships but he doesn't actually remember much of the time with them just like he doesn't quite remember what he had eaten the previous week around this time.

 _Memories, they fade, it's normal,_ Changkyun told him on one occasion and Hyungwon didn't understand then what exactly he meant with that but he thinks he does understand that now.

 _"Hyungwon?"_ Jooheon calls out his name and Hyungwon flinches, he forgot he was on the phone with his tattoo artist. He clears his throat and forces his mind to focus on the phone conversation he is having.

"Yes?" he asks down the line.

_"I was saying, he must have meant a lot to you?"_

Hyungwon hesitates for a moment before he replies. "Yes. Yes, he did—does."

Jooheon hums on the other line as if he wants to say something but is holding back.

"Um," Hyungwon starts, drawing his knees close to his chest and staring at the cats on his screen (it's a different camera now, showing the patio of the house the cats live at, and one of his favorite cats, Bella, is playing with a toy bunny), "so about the appointment. I—I want to cancel it."

_"Are you sure? Like 100% sure?"_

"Yes. 100%."

 _"Okay, so be it then."_ The background noises pick up again and there's a rustling noise coming from the other side of the line, like a page getting turned.

"Jooheon, I have to go but if you want to we can meet someday to catch up and stuff," Hyungwon says once the rustling is over and an awkward silence has spread over them.

 _"Sure, we can do that. I have to hang up, too, a customer just came_ in."

"Yeah, of course, good bye, Jooheon."

He hangs up and drops his phone on his bed, staring blankly at the device as it suddenly lights up with an incoming call from Changkyun. Hyungwon doesn't answer it and he can feel new tears spill out of his eyes.

 

It's his last day of remembering, the next day he will forget everything or at least that's how it's supposed to go. He isn't sure how exactly the _real_ thing will feel like. It sounds so surreal and unattainable to him that he will really have no trace left of Changkyun and what they experienced when he wakes up tomorrow morning. There will be no pain, no heartbreak, no mourning, nothing there and it sounds _so fake_ but that's how it is and he looks up at the clock hanging by the front of the classroom, the needle signalizing the seconds is ticking away slowly. Hyungwon wishes time would go by faster so he can just forget.

He is tired and worn out and he has spent most of the night crying (the time he spent sleeping was filled with nightmares) and he woke up this morning restless and with a headache. He just wants it all to be over and pretend nothing of this ever happened so he can move on and live his life like he has done up until the moment he met Changkyun.

(Of course part of him itches to call Jooheon and ask him to squeeze in a quick appointment for a tattoo because Hyungwon is so used by now to get the memory of everyone tattooed and the thought of simply forgetting stresses him out more than he thought it would. It feels wrong and out of place but he has made his choice already, just like Changkyun has.)

Minhyuk walks into class, his lips are pulled into a soft smile as he reads something on his phone, only partly paying attention to where he is walking, and sits down on the unoccupied seat next to Hyungwon. There's a tattoo on his neck, it's fresh, a couple of days old, Hyungwon was there when it was made, holding Minhyuk's hand because the neck is quite the sensitive spot but Minhyuk had said that he wanted everyone to see it.

It isn't a tattoo like any other he has on his body because he already made one to remember Kihyun years ago, rather it is a tattoo simply because he wants to have something matching with Kihyun and like a promise that they will stay in each other's lives no matter what happens, even if the feelings fade like they had done in between Hyungwon and Kihyun. It's a tattoo that Minhyuk got because he wanted to and not because his relationship with his boyfriend depended on it.

Three hours later they are sitting in the cafeteria, their lunch half eaten in front of them, when Hyungwon suddenly blinks, as if he is waking up from the mopey daze his mind is in, and looks around him. 

"Wait, where's Kihyun?" he asks Minhyuk then, frowning slightly. Over the past two weeks he has gotten quite used by the presence of his ex with them during lunch.

"Um, he—he said something about Changkyun needing his space so he is staying with him," Minhyuk explains carefully and looks at Hyungwon with curiosity.

The thing is Hyungwon hasn't told Minhyuk anything yet, nothing about his decision to forget or about the small fight he had with Changkyun or the way his heart broke again. He hasn't said anything yet because he doesn't want to forget only to have Minhyuk remind him of what happened.

"Ah, alright."

"Did something happen in between you and Changkyun?"

" _No_ ," he answers way to quickly and Minhyuk's eyebrows shoot up, his eyes never leaving Hyungwon's face.

"Hyungwon, you've never reacted like this before when it comes to being with someone and—"

" _Minhyuk_ , I'm fine, nothing happened, everything is _just_ like always."

"That's a fucking lie but fine I won't push for now..." he says and looks away to keep eating his lunch. "Do you want me to come along to your appointment with Jooheon later?"

"No, I—I cancelled it." He gets up before Minhyuk can say anything and hurries out of the cafeteria but he notices his friend's gaping stare on his back and it twists something in his stomach.

He looks at the digital numbers on his phone and wishes again for time to run by faster because he isn't sure for how much longer he can endure this.

He just wants to forget.

He just wants his heart to stop hurting.

* * *

 

The tattoo parlor is big and decorated with beautiful and colorful photographs of people's tattooed bodies. It's a lot nicer than he thought and he approaches the desk, hesitantly. The man behind is tall, his dark short hair is styled up, and his arms are full of tattoos, a very recent one on his bicep, it's a sunflower. The name tag on his shirt reads Son Hyunwoo and when he locks eyes with him the artist smiles warmly, noticing his nervousness.

"It's a lot less scary than it seems," Hyunwoo assures him. "It's a bit scary, mostly due to the commitment behind it, but getting only a tattoo isn't really scary."

"Wait," he starts, staring at the colorful sleeve of the man. "Do you mean some of your tattoos are simply for the _fun_ of it?"

"Yes, most of them are," Hyunwoo replies. "I kinda practiced a lot on me and my friends before I opened the shop."

"That's cool, I never thought of that."

"Most people don't, I think."

Changkyun thinks he might get more tattoos in the future just for the fun of it but this one is for Hyungwon.

"So you said during the phone call that it's your first time getting one," Hyunwoo begins, getting out a stack of papers. "I will need you to fill out this safety questionary." He hands the papers to Changkyun with a pen. "Do you already have an idea of what you want to get?"

"Yeah," he replies as he takes the papers and begins to fill them out. "I want to get a dove, not too big or with colors."

"Any specific design or do you want me to sketch you a few doves and you choose which one you like the best?"

"Um," Changkyun hesitates, pen hovering on the paper as he thinks about it. "I think I would like it if you draw something, Hoseok said you're a good artist."

Hyunwoo smiles brightly upon hearing his boyfriend's name, unconsciously touching the sunflower on his bicep, and nods as he gets out blank papers and a pencil and begins to draw. Changkyun keeps himself occupied with the questionary, answering all the questions about his personal info and if he has any skin allergies and everything else on it.

Once he is done he slides it back towards Hyunwoo and looks at what the artist has drawn so far and Hoseok was right, he _is_ a good artist and Changkyun finds himself liking all of the designs. Maybe he could create a theme for his body, only getting doves in different shapes and forms. Now that he has made the choice to get a tattoo to remember Hyungwon, he might want to remember Kihyun as well.

He wants to let go of whatever negative feelings he always linked to tattoos and just live his life as freely as he gets to, without the influence or need to get the tattoos because it's dictated by society and rather because he _really_ wants to. And this it the first step towards that.

Two hours later he steps out of the tattoo parlor, a dove inked on the side of his body, by his rips, it stings but otherwise Hyunwoo was right, it was less painful than he had thought. He waits at the bus stop right outside the parlor and mentally prepares himself for his classes. He won't be able to see Hyungwon today but he plans to visit him the following day, surprise him with the tattoo and maybe through that show him that he _does_ want to be in a relationship with him. That he does want to give them a second chance.

* * *

 

Hyungwon spends the day on the couch, grieving for some reason but he can't quite remember why. Minhyuk has been acting strange the whole day at university, giving him doubtful and sad stares, Kihyun has been ignoring him which hurts because they were just becoming friends again, overcoming the awkwardness that had been there ever since they broke up.

He stares blankly at the screen of his laptop, a white page open where he is supposed to write an essay but he can't seem to find the right words to write so he simply looks at it as he griefs for _something_ , heart heavy and mind fogged up.

He gets pulled out of his thoughts as his doorbell rings, he shoots up from his seat and walks towards the door, confused because he hasn't ordered any food and he isn't meeting anyone. Maybe it's his neighbor, Hyunwoo, in need for some onions or something because he is in the mood to cook for his boyfriend.

(Hyungwon is aware his neighbor dates Hoseok, he discovered a couple of days ago and it shocked him but he is happy for them, Hoseok really seems to love and trust Hyunwoo.)

He swings open the door and is face to face with a boy shorter than him, he has black hair and wears round glasses. He is dressed in some sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, he looks as if he got out of bed only recently, which would be understandable as it is only eleven in the morning. He is cute and Hyungwon finds himself not minding this stranger to ring his doorbell. Behind the young man is Hyunwoo, groceries in hand, Hoseok by his side. They greet each other before the two men disappear into the flat opposite Hyungwon's leaving him alone with the stranger.

"Hyungwon, hey," he begins, wringing his hands together and looking nervous.

And Hyungwon's heart sinks because this person seems to know him but he has no recollection of ever meeting this young man, he would know. _He would._ And suddenly the grieving makes sense, the way Minhyuk would look at him during class yesterday and perhaps even Kihyun distancing himself. Hyungwon wonders why he doesn't remember him, he wonders what happened in the past two weeks or god knows how long it has been as he _wouldn't_ know. He swallows down the knot in his throat and everything that comes to him that moment, every emotion he feels as all he can do is stare back helplessly.

The stranger's face turns darker with every passing second, realization hitting him, and there is pain in the eyes as well as surprise. He opens his mouth slowly, trying to find the words but he simply stands there, gaping at Hyungwon.

 _"Oh,"_ he lets out, breathless and looks down, collecting himself and his emotions. "Well, okay, _okay_ , I—Alright. I didn't think you'd—I guessed you would just remember me because you remember everyone but I—" the stranger begins to ramble, avoiding Hyungwon's eyes. "Oh my God. _Fuck_. Okay, no, you can do this." He runs a hand through his hair, distressed, and the longer the moment passes the worse Hyungwon feels.

"I'm sorry." Is all he can say and the stranger laughs.

"It's fine, really, I'm just taken aback. Surprised. But it's fine, we can—I mean we can restart or well, give us a second chance, if you want to," the stranger offers and reaches out his hand. "Hi, my name is Im Changkyun."

Hyungwon stares at the hand and then at the face of the stranger, or well Changkyun, and swallows before he takes the hand. "I'm Chae Hyungwon, but I guess you already know that."

"Well, I know your name but I guess I don't really know you. Two weeks don't give that much room to get to know someone."

"Do you want to come inside?" Hyungwon offers then because he really wants to get to know Changkyun again, understand maybe why he didn't get a tattoo, and give them a second chance.

"Yeah, I'd like that," Changkyun says and steps inside, he rolls up the sleeves of his hoodie and Hyungwon is surprised to find they are vacant of any tattoos. He can't help but stare.

Changkyun notices of course and laughs. "Your reaction to my non inked body is exactly the same as the first time."

"You don't have _any_ tattoos?" Hyungwon asks, eyes widening comically.

"Well... I have _one_ now."

**Author's Note:**

> _へ__(‾◡◝ )
> 
> thank you for reading!


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